Plenty of books and sites out there tell us what will come during this zanny journey into motherhood. Many of them repeat the same things regarding what we’ll feel, our symptoms, how our bodies will change, even what we’ll be thinking it’s great and reassuring to know that you’re not alone and what you’re feeling/seeing is normal. But I’ve discovered a few things no book nor person told me about and I never expected to come up. Little bits of insight I wish someone would talk about because if I couldn’t laugh at this bizzaro body I get to have for 9 months, I’d go crazy. I thought I’d share some of them with you.
Here are 10 to start with, I’ll let you know if I come up with any more. Do you have any to add?
- Using handicap spots. I never thought I’d need to use the handicap stall because my belly is so large it can’t clear the door in most restroom’s regular stalls.
- Take your navel ring out early. You don’t notice the change to your belly button until much later, but that ring will slowly work its way out leaving an ugly scar that likely could not be repierced. Nipple rings too. I can’t tell you for certain what they’ll do, but maybe better safe than sorry till after you’ve finished breast-feeding.
- Turtle on its back! I never thought I’d know what it’s like to be a turtle. Now I chant that phrase to myself every time I try to get up. When I need help, I yell it out for Bob909 to come rescue me.
- It is possible to trip when standing still in one place. Thanks to all that relaxin, I, a normally very well balanced individual, have fallen over while doing absolutely nothing. It’s an especially embarrassing thing to do while waiting at a crowded bus stop.
- I’ll never pee alone again. Since being prego, our 3 cats are particularly fond of cornering me while on the toilet. One sits on the sink, face right in mine. The other two at my feet giving me death stares and meow non-stop. The clumsy one has taken to leaping on the seat right as I stand up. He’s almost fallen in twice. I know that having a girl it won’t be much different. I cornered my mom in the loo all the time to chat. I’m sure it was annoying at times, but those were also some of our closest conversations.
- My Ta-Ta’s are a little too TA-DA! (picture jazz hands with that statement) I can only guess that the reason most maternity clothes are cut down to the naval is for easy breastfeeding after the baby arrives, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Just about every maternity shirt I’ve bought (sans the one in the photo above) is cut this way. It’d be nice if they had some snaps or ties or something to keep my top closed. Can you imagine waiting in line to buy something only to look down and see one of your ladies waving hi at the sales person?
- My body isn’t my own anymore. Along with #6, maybe it’s partly due to #6, I’ve found that I just have to suck up the fact that my butt is big and when combined with wearing jersey knit tops and bottoms this inevitably means some of those clothes will ride up inappropriately and reveal things I never wanted anyone to see. Add to that my uncontrollable bodily noises and the fact that generally wearing nothing around is better than fussing with clothes altogether I had to stop being so self-concious. I think this must be part of the preparation process for when you’re in a room with who knows how many people and your legs are spread wide for all the world to see.
- I finally understand what it’s like to be a guy. At least the boob obsession part. Who knew these things were so… intriguing? Not even in my pubescent body changing stage was I this curious about my body. Now I find myself playing with my boobs way more than I should… then again, a lot of that is just using my hands to hold them up and relieve my back of a little weight. D-ladies, I do not envy you. These things better go back to being merry little C’s.
- Do not, under any circumstances, pull out your 1990’s Cure T-shirt and wear it. The fashion of the time dictated all clothes be at least 2 sizes too big, so if you were a M you wore an XL. Do NOT put that XL t-shirt on. You will cry when you discover it’s snug. Keep Mr. Smith in the closet until the day you’re no longer pregnant and baggy clothes are in again or make him into a pillow. No good will come of wearing him, even if you are missing your goth days. Especially if you are missing your old goth days.
- Do I look fat in this? For once, this is not a loaded question, it’s a hope. Job hunting in this economy is hard, but job hunting while pregnant is nigh impossible. The interview is by far the worst part, especially after you’re showing and officially in maternity wear. It’s the only time in your life you’ll hope you look just fat. Trying to dress to look fat is a challenge unlike none you’ll come across at any other stage of your life. Have some cheesecake and try not to stress about it.