The Pregonaut

A non-breeder's journey into the unknown

Cutting the cord… April 29, 2010

Filed under: Space Detritus — anditron @ 10:00 am

_DSC0163 2There’s no denying that I’ve been pretty lucky this year. It started when I was laid off from my job and kind of just went up from there. I’m not being sarcastic at all either. I loved aspects of my job but I hated a lot of it at the same time. I was bored doing the same thing every day and kept trying to rejuvenate my love of my work with little effect. The first weekend of February 2009 we took a trip to San Francisco to visit friends and scope a possible move to the Bay Area. The day I returned I got the news my job wouldn’t exist by the end of the month. I went into panic mode searching, contacting everyone I knew, agencies I didn’t and generally pounding the virtual pavement all while finishing my work at my former employer.

You’d think I would have been upset but you’d be wrong. I was actually really happy for the break I just wish they’d told me prior to my vacation, as I could have done without that $300 outfit and the $500 hotel bill. Oh well, c’est la vie I figured and I embraced my new world. The truth is, I never got a break to really recover after my mom’s passing and my wedding. Two huge life events in a row can take a lot out of you even if one is the best thing to happen to you in your life. So finally I was going to recover.

During that recovery and my search for a new job I tried to enjoy my time to myself. I thought and wrote and vegged and rode and talked with Bob909 and we decided to create a little Bot and were fortunate enough to immediately get pregnant. Make those awesome events #’s 2 & 3 for the year. My pregnancy was pretty easy on me. I’m not bragging, it’s just the way the chips fell. Other than my back pain and apparently some overly tiredness it was a good pregnancy. I got to ride through 38 out of 40 weeks of it thanks to the weather holding out pretty nicely. I even got a short-term contract that got me out of the house, brought in some income, gave me new experience and introduced me to some wonderful people and a new very good friend. Make those #’s 4, 5, and 6 on the list.

The contract ended at the beginning of 2010 allowing me to enjoy the final weeks of my pregnancy from my couch, eating bon bons and watching the Wendy Williams show (I’m kidding) but mostly allowing my brain to process the enormous change that was coming any day now. And on January 15, that beautiful, wonderful change occurred and I haven’t had a moment’s longing for any of my life before. I’ll chalk that up to #’s 7 and 8. Thanks to getting that contract, my unemployment went for a bit longer than it would have, keeping us out of a financial crisis at the start of our daughter’s life. Make that #9.

And for #10 I have been lucky enough to spend the first 3.5 months of my daughter’s life with her all day every day, seeing her grow, learn, smile, laugh, coo, cry, be consoled and so much more. I know every noise she makes and at this point can tell you why and fix it within minutes. I give her one certain look when she’s on the verge of tears and can get her to stop, resist crying and elicit a wibbling smile instead. I’ve been able to read stories and make up songs. I’ve created a cast of characters that have become her best friends and taken her for walks to watch as the leaves appeared on the trees.

We are close – incredibly close like I never knew a mother and daughter could be but most certainly hoped we would. When being fed by a bottle tonight even, she pushed it away and looked to me wanting her dinner fresh from the tap and it made my heart jerk because now, after all this time together I finally have to cut the cord.

Yes, great thing #11 – I’ve just landed an incredible gig that seems to be everything I’ve been looking for in a job. And on the heels of that, we’ve found an awesome Nanny who will take great care of our awesome Bot.

So I know I’m lucky. After all, poor Bob909 hasn’t had the good fortune of getting so much time with our girl. And how many mothers have to go back to work just 4 or 6 weeks after having their child. I know I’ve been given a unique opportunity and I’m not looking the gift of unemployment in the mouth. I’m just sad that it’s coming time to cut the cord. That our days of sleeping in (hey, I did get up 2-4 times a night), going to the coffee shop, lunching with a different friend every day, painting umbrellas, hanging with kitties, exploring different parks and neighborhoods are coming to an end.

I can hear Europe playing on repeat in my head… It’s the final countdown.

It’s bittersweet and I’m not looking forward to the first few days without her. But I am looking forward to getting yet another step closer to being Me! I’m looking forward to working my craft and talking in a voice that isn’t all chipper for a baby. I’m looking forward to challenges and riding my bike again. Frankly to being an adult too. And actually, I’m looking forward to having someone with a bit more experience with infants help in the Bot’s development because honestly it’s been hard for me to figure out how to fill our days sometimes. And I’ve seen how overly dependent on me she is already and I want her to have a healthy balance of needing me and being independent.

So May 6th I cut the cord… mostly… the first two days she’ll be with her grandma and then the following week the Nanny care begins – I’m counting that as good thing #12, even if it does hurt.


2 Responses to “Cutting the cord…”

  1. Alex Says:

    It’s that time, eh? The one thing I could say about the cancer and brain tumor thing is that it gave me time with Ripley, about a year even if much of that time was lost in a prescription drug induced haze. I think I worked just three months in between. I am fortunate not to have to have a jobby job. Oh, I do plenty…just in a different way. CFO, chauffeur, maid, chef, gardener, contractor and teacher. Chad has it made! Those early months are special and when you are gone all day, you feel it. The three months I was working when she was wee, I was always wondering what she was doing, if she missed me and if Chad was “doing it right”. That would be the control freak in me. He was doing it right, just not *my* way.
    Like I always say, it doesn’t get any easier as they get older, the game just changes and you have to adapt to the next new thing. Your head’s in the right place and you know what your in for. Just keep writing. I wish I had the faculties to keep a journal back then. Good thing Chad took a lot of pictures. They grow up in a blink of an eye. Ripley will be 8 this year and wants a Goth room. 🙂

  2. Nicole Says:

    Wow, I love reading your blog. It’s awesome to see someone going through some of the things I am too. My daughter was born one day after yours. I too had to return to work, and I LOVE my job but some days it is so hard to be away from my Stella. It’s all worth it though, when I get to come home and see her smile and her eyes light up because mommy’s back!

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